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Pressured men – Is Alpha Beta?

Sunday, August 10th, 2008
What women want is a debate that will rage on, I fear, forever. While trying to be superwomen, it seems women are still demanding that men are equally ‘super’. We now want a new man (even newer than the old new, ahem).
Alphamale
Dr Pam Spurr writes for MSN. We women desperately need to rethink the type of man we want. Not only are we a bit confused about whether we want a sensitive ‘New Man’ or an old-fashioned ‘Alpha Male, Man’s Man’ (or, to be honest, any point in between because we’re so fussy!) that the poor chaps are getting confused themselves!
Many women have come to think that their ideal man is a Hugh Grant type – a bit sensitive, endearing and kind of irresistible. But why is he so irresistible? Because we think he needs his personality dragged out of him. And in our fantasy worlds we flatter ourselves that we’re the one to do it.
He can be sensitive as long as he’s a success

New research has shown that this Hugh Grant type (that’s a bit self-deprecating) is indeed a success with us women. But (and here’s the rub) he can only be a success with us if he’s actually already successful when we meet him. Confused? You will be.
It’s like this: if he’s already achieved many things in his life, we don’t mind him being all sensitive and taking the p*** out of himself because underneath, we already know he has the qualities many of us still want in our men – success, confidence, and (dare we say it) the ‘alpha’ factor.
The trouble is, many of the men we now meet no longer have these qualities.
This leaves me thinking that the ‘New Man’ type we associate with Hugh isn’t what we really want at all, because deep down us women want to drag the tiger out of him. We believe Mr New Man is hiding a Real Man behind his sweet, but bumbling, facade.
I know from experience that many women don’t want a guy who is completely sensitive and emotional through-and-through. Lately, I’ve heard so many complaints along the lines of: Can’t he be a man and ask me out? Why do I have to do the chasing? Why am I always organising our dates? What happened to old-fashioned men? And so on.
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Pressured Women – Trying To Be Superwoman

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

What is a modern woman? In a historical snapshot the 50’s saw ‘our’ men come back form war and we returned to our rightful place in the kitchen. Then we had the 80’s, and suddenly we could smash through the glass ceiling in the workplace. What happens now though?

What is it that women want? A career or a family? Or something else, something more, do we actually want both?

Superwoman

Dr Pam Spurr wrote for MSN UK on the subject………

Thank goodness a few celebrity mothers have decided to come clean recently and make us mere mortals feel better. Their revelations? That they can’t constantly look amazing, be the best possible mums, be sexy wives/partners, and maintain a high-profile career without something slipping.
Melinda Messenger recently split from her husband and partner of 18 years amid reports that the catalyst was her obsession with being a ‘perfect parent’. Although I admire this refreshing honesty, I feel sorry for her that this realisation came a bit too late and she’s now separated from her husband – the father of her three children. If speculation is to be believed, she’s simply found it too much trying to be super-mum, super-celebrity and super-wife all at the same time. Juggling all these demands on top of her much-publicised battle with post-natal depression has meant that her marriage has crumbled. And all of this left her feeling stressed and unhappy.
The yummy mummy Myleene Klass has also recently discussed in frank detail the difficulties of keeping motherhood, high-profile work and a relationship up to the standards she wanted. Luckily, she recognised that she needed to address these issues before her relationship got to the point of collapse as Melinda’s did. However, at times she confessed she felt terrible anger towards her partner that can often simply reflect anger with oneself. Anger for feeling too pressured, too pushed and too responsible for everything.
Kym Marsh has put a brave front on her separation from Jack Ryder and undoubtedly has experienced similar sorts of stresses and strains of juggling her career, motherhood and marriage.
Unfortunately, what happens when we try to do it all and juggle too many balls is that it all comes crashing down around our heads – affecting our relationships along with our self esteem.
Your self-esteem within a relationship is crucial to its success: If you feel bad about yourself, it will rub off on your relationship. It’s the same with your self-esteem generally and how it effects the way you do your job or, more importantly, how it affects the job you do as a parent if you have children.
If you’re trying to be superhuman and to give 100 per cent to everything, then something’s got to go give: your relationship, your parenting or your work are likely to suffer – as well as your self-esteem because it gets squashed! This state-of-affairs is no good for anyone. If you’re not feeling good about yourself, you’ll find it harder to get what you want to out of your home and work life.
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Pressured Men – Weaving tangled webs

Sunday, August 10th, 2008
While women are still trying to decide what they actually want, men are continuing to struggle with how to evolve into a modern attractive man.
How do men even begin to pursue women that are struggling to even meet the standards they set themselves. Let alone the long list of requirements from a ‘suitable’ partner. Lots of our clients seek dating advice, but what are the knock on effects of trying to be superwoman.
More importantly what damage does this do to men’s confidence, some taking dramatic steps to gain dating practice.
Pressuredmen
A new survey by Virgin found that one in ten British men between 18 and 40 added five thousand pounds to their salary, while 25% have lied about the size of their manhood. The following article written by Ben Faulk for MSN, titled ‘Why a man lies’ goes some way to explain…………..
Researchers concluded that men lie more impulsively than women, but added that one of the reasons for this is because the modern male is under more pressure than ever before in both his personal and professional life.
But is this true? Does lying work? Are women really impressed by faux tales of superlative salary, girth and length, especially when it’s so easy to be caught out?
“There’s two phases of male lying,” says Neil Strauss, author of The Game, the bestselling memoir of his year as a professional pick-up artist. “Courtship lying to get someone to like them and relationship lying to keep their girlfriend from leaving them.”
“Men are horrible liars,” he continues. “They usually get caught and if they don’t, it leads to a suspicion that lasts for the whole of the relationship. But I don’t think men lie because they are horrible people, they lie because they’re weak.”
“I think there’s more pressure on men,” adds Susan Quilliam, a relationship psychologist and author of Body Language Secrets. “There’s a much higher rate of male depression and suicide than there was. Because they are insecure, they will try and compensate by lying.”
The lengths some men go to put my tales of the Australian outback to shame. Strauss recalls “guys who got fake bank receipts that showed huge balances and when they gave someone their phone number, they’d ‘accidentally’ write it on the back of them”.
And actually, it’s all women’s fault anyway; with their rising pay packets and demand for equality. Us men still want to feel like we are cock of the walk and impress the ladies with our status and power, but the problem is, we are facing potential partners who are richer and more successful than us.
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Lapdancing Clubs used for sex

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

In 2002 Spearmint Rhino was taken to court, following an operation by the Met Police, in which the Met complained that it was acting like a brothel and the girls, whose role is “lap dancing”, were taking money for sex.

The Magistrate at Highbury Corner Court agreed with officers’ findings that acts carried out at the club were indecent, but allowed it to keep its licenses as long as the holders’ names were changed.

Spearmint Rhino is not alone in this activity: A report into the issue in Scotland published 2004  stated that “Approximately half of the customers in Glasgow went to clubs looking for sex”. The Lilth report into the issue of sex and lapdancing has some startling statistics based in London borough of Camden.

In 2007 the News of the World Reported that  football players were found to be having sex in a lap dancing club. I don’t think they were using it as dating practice though.

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Lap Dancing- Dating practice?

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

Many clients who I see for coaching sessions, be that male or female, often want some advice on dating. Being single these days is a minefield. We have the longest working hours in Europe and many of us simply don’t have the time to meet someone new. Add to this the crippling insecurities that plague our society, faced with airbrushed perfection every day from all angles and it’s no surprise we mainly spend our free time watching TV. Cue more focus on our inadequacies via the perfect media role models and the problem comes full circle.

Lap dancing has seen a steady rise in popularity, for the uninitiated, men (mainly) pay women to dance for them in various states of undress. The men can’t touch the women and after a few minutes the ‘dance’ is over. Traditionally this was an activity that was popular with stag parties, but statistically the ‘industry’ has seen a huge rise in the amount of solo clients. Men who are bored and increasingly lonely. With divorce on the rise, marriage being later in life than before and huge immigration in the UK, the competition just keeps getting tougher.

What if you are so shy that you can’t talk to women? What if you haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time? What if your office is mainly full of other men (heterosexuality assumed)? How about a place you can go to where attractive women will stroke you ego and your thighs for the same cost as a dating website membership. You can see the appeal.

Comments from men, taken from the referenced Times article below include, “A 29-year-old soldier says he sees it as a confidence boost, taking it as a compliment when a girl comes up to talk to him” and “Lap dancing is for lonely people,” says a 42-year-old property developer, propping up the bar with a bottle of champagne that he is keen to share. “It’s hard for them to talk to women, here it’s easier.”

Like prostitutes before them, lap dancers often wax lyrical about being surrogate marriage advisers and counsellors with benefits. What does this say about our society? Again statistically, as much as 80% of women in prostitution have been sexually abused as children. Many lap dancing clubs are known for providing ‘extras’ with VIP areas full of girls giving sexual favours for extra cash. The clubs of course deny this, but repeatedly women who are dancers will report on this practice.

The net result is that we have a group of damaged women, with low self esteem, taking their clothes off for money and a group of men, with low self esteem seeking their counsel.

Related Articles –

The Times

Clubs used for Sex – Chameleon Fridays

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